Yes, Your Dog is Cute, but...

An open letter to my neighbors: (who will never read this blog) (I'm not called passive agressive for nothing!)

Let me begin by saying that I adore my neighborhood and everyone who lives in it. I am very happy to live on our street.

However,

I am asking you with all the politeness and fake smiles that I can muster to puh-leeze keep your d#%* dogs out of my yard!

I think they are cute. I even pet them and am interested in their well-being. But it isn't cute when they sniff and snuffle and bulldoze through the bark that I pay a *lot* of money for each year to make my yard nice. Even if you say it's because they're interested in the smell of the bushes because of my cats, it's still not cute.

It's not amusing when they poo on my lawn and you don't happen to have a plastic bag handy. GO HOME AND GET ONE. THEN COME BACK AND PICK IT UP. My kids aren't trained to look for dog crap. I don't like poking it out of the treads of their shoes with a stick.

Another thing. I pay for the food that I feed my own pets. I don't want to have to buy extra because your dog comes into my garage and eats it. I don't like that. I really don't.

At the risk of sounding old (too late??) I really love my plants. I work hard to grow them and keep them alive all year. It's one of my few talents, so I savor it. So please keep your pooch on a leash and don't let him 'explore' and kill my Sedum plants. They're so delicate and they take all year to grow back.

I am asking all of this politely because the next time your crazy dog tears through my yard, through my front door and into my front room looking for someone to play with I'm going to snap and strangle it...and then you. And then I'd go to jail and that would make my kids sad.

Thank you.